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Synopsis

Ian and Lucy, Mark and Ruth and a reluctant Martin accompany Pauline to Ireland to visit her half sister. Ian hires a minibus type car at Dublin airport and they drive down Ireland's primitive roads to the village they're looking for. They stop on the way for tea, and Martin is sulking horribly about having to come with them, and only Ian and Pauline want tea, so Ruth is entrusted with Lucy and she and Mark wander around. There is a farmers' market or something going on in the main street, so there are various farm animals wandering around. Ian and Pauline discuss his paranoia about letting Lucy out of his sight, and Pauline says he should let her have a normal life. Pauline also asks if he would have Cindy back again, and he says "what like you and Arthur", but says no, he hates her. Pauline then goes on about how she was always bad for him and then Ian defends their relationship, so Pauline says it seems he's not totally over her after all. Martin is being irritating, so Ruth tells him to take Lucy off to look at the sheep. Martin wanders off and then wanders back. Ruth asks where Lucy is, and Martin says he thought she was with them. There's a huge panic, especially from Ian. Ian berates Ruth for letting her go off by herself, and Ruth apologises. They all search the tiny main street and find Lucy happily having a ride on a donkey. They find the village with no trouble, although the Irish local at first denies this is the village, saying it is in fact a town. When they arrive, there is a bit of a barney going on between a few drunks, and someone is gossiping about "Eamonn's" scandalous family. They go into the hotel and the owner denies that there is a booking for Fowler, only for the Towlers from England. They insist that this must be theirs so eventually and grudgingly they are allowed to have some rooms. Martin goes off as soon as they arrive and meets some locals, whom he impresses with tales of the many night-clubs in London, all of which he is a member of and he visits frequently to rub shoulders with a number of famous people - Jason Orange being the most notable. He goes to play in a river with the kids, and as he is showing off to impress some girls, he falls in. He returns to the hotel soaked through. Ian and Pauline are too busy to notice him as they are in the bar. They ask for a drink, and are offered "stout." A lecherous old drunk offers to buy Pauline a drink as he leers at her. Ian tells him they will buy their own thank you, and the drunk starts getting violent. The barman suggests it might cause less trouble to accept, so they do. They sit down and chat, and the drunk staggers over from the bar a little later to paw Pauline. She is horrified and shouts "get off me!", and in the confusion, the drunk's stout is spilled all down Pauline's jumper. The drunk tells Ian that he owes him a pint, and Ian is furious. The barman manages to get rid of the drunk, and apologises, saying that Sean's problem is that he still thinks he can down 20 pints, but in reality he can only manage 17. Pauline moans about Maggie being half an hour late and the barman says it is only the English who are obsessed with time-keeping, and half an hour is nothing. As Pauline is about to go and change her jumper a scruffy and dirty woman arrives and tells her she has come to collect her to take her to Maggie's house. When Pauline says she has to change, the dirty-looking woman, who introduces herself as Brenda, Eamonn's wife and Maggie's daughter-in-law, tells her that she looks fine. Pauline is given a lift to Maggie's and meets her and various of her enormous extended family who all live in a dirty shack in the middle of nowhere and rely on Maggie to cook and clean for all her children, children-in-law and grandchildren. Ian has again entrusted Lucy to Ruth, and she's wandering around the village while Ian and Pauline wait in the bar. Ruth happens to meet a local called Conor, who chats her up and when Ruth says Lucy is not her own child, he asks her out for a drink. Ruth says her husband wouldn't like it and Conor says it's always the way - the attractive women are married. He says she must be Scottish and what's she doing here? She says she is here with her English family visiting relatives. He says he is also visiting his relatives, and he's been away and is a bit of a prodigal son. Pauline meets Maggie and a schoolgirl called Mary, plus a few screaming children running wild about the house. Maggie tells her she has numerous offspring, all with typically Irish names like Eamonn and Conor, and then a car arrives and it is Eamonn, bringing her husband. She tells Pauline this is her husband, Sean, and he gets out of the car to reveal himself as the obnoxious drunk who spilt his drink all over Pauline as he was leering over her breasts in the hotel bar.

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Main cast

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